Posted by
Roxanna M. on Thursday, July 24, 2008 5:15:39 PM
Dear Justice Kennedy,
In response to your recent ruling regarding the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, I am writing to inform you about our new program, which was developed specifically to make it easier for these individuals to avail themselves of the rights you have granted them. I call it the Judges Extol Rights for Killers program, or JERK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, one detainee has been selected to be placed in your care, custody, and control. This individual is to be cared for pursuant to the same standards you would demand for yourself under similar circumstances. He is to have his own room, with air conditioning. He is to have three appropriate meals per day and access to free health care. Either you can seek health insurance for him, or you can just pay it out of your pocket. Whichever you prefer. He is to have appropriate, clean clothing at all times, including shoes and socks.
I realize your detainee may be considered by some to be a homicidal sociopath and extremely violent, but he is not to be treated harshly in any manner whatsoever, especially, no loud music. And please be sure that the AC is not turned up too high. He must have a Koran available to him at all times, along with a prayer rug. Somewhere in your house you should paint an arrow pointing east.
How you keep your detainee on your premises is up to you, but you are not allowed to shackle him. You may, however, keep your doors and windows locked.. And, of course, you are responsible for all damages and/or injuries he may cause should he escape from your custody.
You must allow him access to his attorney at all times, and you are responsible for driving him back and forth to court. If you feel that you need help in caring for your detainee, you may hire all the help you need. Of course, this will have to be at your own expense.
I feel compelled to remind you that your detainee will have a low regard for women. If you have a wife and daughters in the house, you should get them burkas and remind them not to speak without permission. Perhaps it would be best if you just kept them out of sight altogether, or even relocated them. Regardless of how your detainee feels about our culture, it is important that you show only respect for his. After all, he is a guest in your home.
Your detainee should be arriving within the week. If all goes well, I will consider placing another with you.
Cordially yours,
Uncle Sam